People.

I’m a nice person but I really don’t think it’s possible to get along with everyone in the world. Some personalities do not mix well with others. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to give them the cold shoulder every time I see them; I just won’t acknowledge their existence, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I refuse to involve myself with people who doesn’t even give off positive vibes and doesn’t make a difference in my life.

I try getting to know them or having a conversation but they lack communication. They are dead boring or think they're too good. Like shut up, you aren't all that ... seriously. It's okay, though. I know we're in a group and I have to work with you guys, but that doesn't mean we're friends. You don't effect my life anyway.

Outcast.

Sometimes I honestly feel like an outcast. Even when I’m surrounded by people, I feel like the odd ball - like there’s no one who can understand me or is able to relate. I’m still trying to find a place where I really feel like I belong. I had an amazing group of friends in high school and it’s sad that everyone dispersed into different directions. I’m trying to meet new people, build more friendships but there’s never the same connection I’ve had w/ past friends. It’s not like how it was before. Everyone on campus just seems different. I know I don’t need to make new friends because I love my friends already but I need a comfort zone at school. I miss what use to be. I’m just trying to find that in the present. I don’t want to have to try so hard to fit in.

Something Real.

I’m at a point in my life where if I were to be looking for a relationship, I would want a real relationship. The purpose of dating is to be together in hopes of getting married one day, right? That’s only if you’re the ‘want to be married’ type. But I can’t settle for someone who can’t offer me equal or more than what I have. I don’t mean to seem high-maintenance or anything but I need someone who can take care of himself and has room to take care of me. Someone who can take me places and at least has a job. Someone who’s independent and knows what he wants. Someone who has their life together and has goals for his future. Those qualities play a huge role. I’m looking for a serious relationship, not something to play with.

Lonely Girl.

16 years alone and then another year and a half being single, I can't help the fact that I'm use to being independent - that I'm use to relying on my own for many things. I can't help that I'm defensive and guard myself with the right intentions. I think college has changed me. I use to be very social and outgoing but I feel as if all my energy has decreased. I was questioning myself about it earlier. Is it my mentality changing due to maturity or is it the environment I'm in now? I'm not sure. Sometimes when I'm in a room full of people, I still feel alone and I really don't like the feeling because it shouldn't be like that, you know? I should feel welcomed but I don't. I've tried to be more friendly and talkative but I can only try so hard. I don't want to have to push myself to try and develop some kind of personality that I don't have. I wouldn't be me. I use to have a group of friends to go to but I feel like I don't have that either. Everyone is segregated. Everyone actually has a group they're able to go back to but I really don't. One of the reasons why I wanted to join a sorority was so I had something to bounce back on but that just wasn't for me. I think I shall get involved in another club to meet more people and gain new experiences. I think that would be good for me. I just need people to talk to. People to connect with. People to go out and have fun with without having to try as hard.

Also. Being dependent upon myself for so long, it gets lonely. I mean, all these couples and people having someone to talk to. I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in, watching everyone do their own thing while I'm just standing still. I'm always the odd one out w/ no excitement in my life or stories to tell. I want the chance to feel again, I want to feel more. I know only time will tell what happens, but I'm tired of waiting sometimes. It gets frustrating and I don't want to lose hope. I just need to pick up a hobby to do to keep my mind occupied from everything.

I'm just a lonely girl.

Not so crushed.

It was nothing but physical attraction.
No need to be dramatic w/ my emotions.

Because when nothing was there, nothing was there. He wasn't my type anyway, at all. It's okay. (: I am over it.


I'm gonna focus on me. Don’t think so much. Don’t analyze so much. Don’t assume so much. Just relax. Focus on what’s going on now and just focus on me.
<3

Barona

Yesterday, the family and I went to Barona for Kristy's 18th birthday. The buffet was delicious as always and I gambled for the first time! My mom let me play this slot machine. I won a bit but kept playing and lost it all. I played $35 overall. It was my mom, aunt and uncle’s money so it’s okay. Hahah. [x Gambling is a game. I just sat there looking and pressing buttons hoping that the correct match would pop up. I would want to do it again. [x But I know it would suck when it’s my actual money.

At the buffet, my aunt was trying to hook me up w/ the host. -___- LOL!
-- host walks by --
Aunt: He's your boyfriend, huh?
Vanna: No! He's kinda' cute though.
Aunt: Go for it! I support 100%.
Vanna: Hahah, oh my gosh. You just want the hookup at Barona!
Aunt: *chuckles* Whaatever!
-- host comes to the table --
Aunt: Hey, you single? All these beautiful girls, pick one.
Host: *laughs* I have a girlfriend.

Bummer. Haha, he wasn't all that anyway. =P

Hey Guy,

Your name was brought up once Friday night, just once for the first time in a while. Although, it seems like every time it's brought up, you appear in my dreams which is extremely weird. My mind has been accustomed to not thinking about you as much, at all. Thoughts of you can be nice but you're merely a memory now. A portrait of the past. So, I would rather you not interrupt my sleep and appear in my dreams tonight - or ever again actually. K, thanks.

Family.

Family is always there, always. I love my family. I love how when one person was in need, all of them came charging at once where ever they were.

I was at work when I received a text from Gina saying that my grandma was in the hospital. My heart literally dropped. I was so worried and confused because I saw my grandma before I went to work. She had come back from being out w/ my aunt and uncle and looked fine. But I guess a lot can be going on within. I couldn't help but think the worst of the situation. She had peed out blood. I asked my mom about it but she didn't want to talk about it much ... I understood. What she did tell me was that my grandma was just very tired; I could've guessed that. My grandma wakes up early everyday to make food for the monks at the temple. She goes out of her way a lot to do things for others. She's wonder-woman, I promise. I don't know how she does it all, but she has a heart of gold. I was worried to find out that she had to stay over-night. I wish I could've dropped everything at work to just be there.

Although, hospitals are the worst places for me to be. Right when I see or step into one, it just gives me goosebumps knowing what I'm going in for. Or better yet, knowing what I have gone in for ... my grandpa. I hate seeing people lie on the hospital beds seemingly helpless. If I were to see my grandma on one, I know I'd be the FIRST to bust out in tears; I always am actually. I feel like such a wimp, sometimes. But I really can't help it! I don't know how people do it. I'm just a very sensitive person. I think I get it from my mom. Heh. But I can't even picture my grandma in one because she's such a strong person. I know she's going to be okay, though. She will. She just needs to rest and relax.
<3>

Scary Movies

Everyone is talking about Paranormal Activity 2. I haven't seen the first one, nor do I ever want to! Haha. I am not the biggest fan of scary movies, at allllll. I've had my share of some but I refuse to watch them. I prefer to sleep with a good conscious and think happy thoughts. Ya' know? And not have to worry so much about being haunted or jump at the sound of anything close-by. After watching anything horrific or disturbing, it takes me WEEKS to get over it.

The last scary movie I saw was Saw 6. That's not even considered a scary movie but I thought it was pretty scary; mostly disturbing and gruesome. I didn't even watch the first 5 and was dragged by friends to watch the 6th one. -.- I figured, take a chance. But I was covering my face and shrieking the whole time which is NOT fun to do. I learned my lesson from then. Haha. I'm not a chicken! I mean, they're fun to watch w/ company but gosh, it's not something I'd want to remember.

Take me to watch chick flicks and comedy movies where I can smile and laugh! (:

Why do people prefer their significant other to drink rather than smoke?

That was a question that I was curious about this whole week. Honestly because I have a crush on someone who smokes. bleh. -___- I was saying that people who drink alcohol causes more harm and death because of the effects but when someone smokes, they do it in their own comfort. There's nothing really major about the effects but second-hand smoke. For me, it's just the thought of someone inhaling something that doesn't attract me. Like I have to kiss you with that breath? Gross. And that's not the same as alcohol because it doesn't taste so bad. Haha idk.

But today I asked Kevin and explained to him that I don't want to lower my standards to settle for less than what I'd hope for just because I miss what it felt like to have a significant other. He said that I shouldn't have to; that it's not so much to ask for if you don't want someone who doesn't drink or smoke. There are some guys out there who doesn't.

I asked Lina and Ricky later on. They were saying that society doesn't view drinking so bad because everyone does it and smoking was just never attractive.

I went to dinner later on w/ Vince, Hillary, Lina and Thon. Both of the guys smoke weed and were talking about it so then asked them the simple question as to why and told them that my ideal guy is someone who doesn't smoke or drink. They both, especially Vince went on continuously about how he hates that people look down on people who smoke weed. He compared it to going to a theme park? Paying for fun isn't necessary but people do it to satisfy themselves like he does. There are people who are addicted to weed and inhale it daily but he doesn't need to smoke weed but he likes it. He doesn't need it to have fun but it's more fun with it. It's just something to do. He's not addicted and he says addicts, in general, are worse. He said that before I judge anything, I should put myself in that perspective and try it for myself first. They kind stated that finding someone who doesn't smoke or drink is dumb because I shouldn't look down on a guy because he does those things.

I admit, when I do find out a guy smokes weed, it's a definite turn-off. I admire the guys who are able to do those stuff and have their life completely together but I just don't want to be with someone who does all that. I want a guy who makes healthy life choices. I actually find it attractive if someone is able to enjoy life without doing all of that because it’s a pretty common thing nowadays so a ‘straight-edged’ guy is hard to find.. I don’t think that’s bad that I have that standard. I know I've drank before in the past but that's the past, you know? I don't do any of that anymore and I don't want to and the reason being, I see no purpose for it. There are other better things in life, in my opinion. Of course, everything in the world is wrong and people aren't always right. I was just curious as to why people prefer drinkers over smokers and I don't want to put myself in a weed smokers shoes in order to understand why they like it. I don't want to inhale any herbs. I have better things on my list that I'd rather do. Weed smoking is not any of my concern. If you like it, go for it - don't let me stop you whatsoever.

I mean, I've never dated a guy who smokes and I don't know what it'd be like. I've never let myself like a guy who does because it's just not for me. People have their turn-ons and turn-offs and that's just one of mine. If I come across someone that I REALLY like that does it, so be it ... I'll take the chance. But so far, it's not on my list. I wouldn't prefer a drinker nor a smoker but if it came down to it ... I don't even know anymore.

I'll keep hoping but I'm going to stop expecting. Because maybe if I stop expecting the unexpected will happen. And maybe the unexpected will be something incredible - something worth waiting and hoping for.
<3

Friendship = Respect

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

I don't think you would like me to speak to you with an attitude now would you? We may be 'friends' but that still doesn't mean that you can treat me anyway that you can due to the fact of how close we are. You may have that kind of relationship with your other girl friends and that's fine because it seems like you all are similar that way and have that bond but I wouldn't tolerate that. I mean, I ask you a simple question, not being rude at all and the way you respond is extremely ugly. I don't want the kind of friendship where I can "bad-mouth" my friends but it's okay because we're 'just kidding.' No. My friends and I play around and joke but we'd never be mean to each other. I have that respect for my friends.

I need to go on my own path and do my own things sometimes when I'm surrounded by people. When I'm out, I rely on a lot of people for my fun because I don't like the sight and thought of being alone. But I shouldn't worry about that. I should just do my own thing when no one else wants to participate and have my fun. It would be easier on my part.

Dream catchers.

I love them and love the concept of it. I was reading that they derived from Native Americans and were made for children for when they sleep. They would put it over their heads to protect them from having nightmares so they can dream. I came across a tattoo picture of one and loved it! I wanted my next tattoo to be flowers on my feet but I think I'm really leaning toward the dream catcher. This is the picture I came across. It doesn't have the full image of a dream catcher but has the feathers. I really like it! I also wanted a tattoo behind my ear and I think this is very creative. I want it just like that but maybe something similar. I don't want to fully imitate the picture. Haha. Ahhhhhh, just maybe. (:

Playing Hard To Get.

So, you know how many people say that girls always go for the bad guy, people want what they can't have or they like a challenge? Me ... I don't want the 'bad guy'. I don't want to play games. I don't have time to chase you around for weeks trying to get you to notice me. I want something that wouldn't require so much effort. I want something natural and accidental.

I don't go for the 'hard to get' types because I feel like it would be a waste of my time trying to make someone like me when there's someone else out there for me that I wouldn't have to try so hard for. And I normally am not the one to go for someone I'm attracted to because I honestly don't have that much confidence in myself to do so. I'm not the prettiest girl in the bunch (I'd say), I'm normally not the person to get 2nd glances (I don't think) or frequent compliments. Idk, I feel like I'm not the 'typical pretty looking Asian girl.' Which is kinda good because I don't want to be like everyone else, but sometimes I'd like to be noticed. You know? By the guys I actually WANT to be noticed by! lol. I don't want a challenge. I don't want to be the only one trying. It's embarrassing ... I want mutual feelings. Mutual attractions.
<3

Impatient.

I wish I had stories to tell. I wish I had something to brag about. I wish I had something. I wish I had someone. I wish I had feelings. I wish I had butterflies. I wish, I wish, I wish for true love.

I feel lonely, today.
It's never me, though.
It never is.
And I'm starting to think,
it never will be.

Maybe I don't put myself out there,
Or maybe I attract myself to the wrong guys.
Is it even me? Or is it the guys that are flawed?
I don't want to wait anymore.

I said I don't have time to like someone,
Or I won't have time to be in a relationship,
but having someone there,
having someone to make my day,
to put infinite smiles on my face and
allow me to have something to look forward to,
is something that I crave for in my life;
Is something that I would make time for.
If it were to happen.

I don't want to wait anymore.
I've forgotten what it felt like.

And I know it was a great feeling I want to feel again.

"Watch out for us next time,"

You got me fucked up.

I walked out of class. I ran into Tyler, who I was having a conversation with. I didn't care or was aware of everything around me due to the fact that he and I were talking about what was going on in class. All of a sudden I hear, 'Vanna' behind me. First, I didn't know if someone was really calling my name. Then I heard it again, I turned around and there were 2 sorority girls. I was like, wow. So without thinking, I left Tyler and just went to them and was like, 'Oh, hey'. It was rude and it was a reflex. I shouldn't have. I went to one of them, greeted her. She told me to whisper softer. I greeted the other girl. And after that the first girl told me to, 'say it with my mouth closed.' Now tell me, HOW THE FUCK do I speak with my mouth closed?! But what got me mad was when the other girl said, 'Watch out for us next time.' In my head, I was like WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! I have my OWN life. I don't know anything about you, therefore I don't care who you are and where you are for that matter. I am NOT going to spend my time going to school with the purpose of looking around everywhere just to see where the girls are so I can go up to you and give you the satisfaction that you want. I don't live to acknowledge your existence. Like, seriously? It's "tradition" but fuck no. Get that from someone else who actually wants to put up with it. I didn't even SEE you and for you to call me when I was busy just for that? It's RUDE. I had to leave a friend hanging. I have to stop my own life just for you? Go do something. It's not worth it at all. Especially if I'm demanded to do something, not even asked? No. B y e.

I should've said something but didn't want to be disrespectful. Yeah, right.

Not For Me.

Yesterday was a day where I really appreciated who is my life. Even though I don't see many of my friends often and I don't communicate with my family as much, they're still in my thoughts. The times when they're not there, I'm thinking of them and how much I miss them. I have more than enough support and comfort in my life, I don't need anymore. Especially if I have to work to gain acceptance.

It's just my first day of pledging and I should be excited, but I'm not. I should've trusted my instincts in the first place. But I wanted to take a chance (as always) and try it before I judge or assume. I mean, it's good that I went for it but I'm not feeling it. I'm not comfortable or feel like I'm being me that's why I really feel like I shouldn't continue on and waste more of my time along with theirs. I feel extremely bad because they did a lot of things for me, especially my "big sis" but then again, I didn't know what it was before and I didn't see everything coming. I didn't ask for it the gifts. The most important thing is I have to think of myself and what's best for me before anything else.

During the interview, one of the questions they asked was, 'How do you feel about quitting?' I answered, 'I feel like quitting is a waste of time. If you're going to go for it you might as well go all the way.' But here's the thing. I think there’s a difference between quitting and not wanting to do something that you feel isn’t right for you. There are certain things that are suitable for some people and not fit for others. I don’t hold any grudges or have anything against what you’re aiming for but I’d rather chose not to be a part of it because I don’t feel like myself doing so. I mean, I met a lot of nice girls. But I took a chance for the experience and come to find out it’s not something that I crave for in my life.

I think that respect and trust shall be earned in a formal manner. I don't feel like I should prove anything to anyone to gain acceptance anywhere. I talked to Kelvin and Vince about my position and they made a good point. They said the Greek life is mostly for people who aren't from around here and is trying to find a comfort place where they belong. But I already have that. I have family and friends that are already there for me. I'm home. I don't need more, especially in this sort of way. No, it's not me at all. I have more respect for myself and I won't tolerate being treated this way even though there's a reason for it all in the end.

T h e E n d .

What I learned today:

I guess no matter how long you know someone or think you know someone, everyone keeps secrets. Even yourself, right? There's always apart of you that you choose not to portray to other people. You'll never know who someone truly is because majority of the time, people hide a part of them behind an image that they only choose to show. They'll never tell you the whole story. Maybe they're afraid to be judged or they feel ashamed. Who knows what lies on the other side? Mmm ... who really knows the truth nowadays, anyway? Everyone is a good liar.

Guilty.

Guilt is honestly the feeling that I have. As I go to school and meet new people and be involved in different organizations, I occasionally think about my family and my friends that I don't see/hangout with as often and feel bad for leaving them behind a bit. I rarely am able to have a conversation with my parents because I'm going back & forth to school and when I'm home, I'm doing homework or taking a nap because I'm exhausted from school. And I know the more I meet new people at school, the more I'll get to know, see and hangout with them and maybe I'm scared that I'm going to be distant from my current friends. Even on weekends, I'm not able to socialize with anyone because I always have work! I officially have no life. -__- But as I feel guilty, I'm making my college experience better for me. I'm currently on E-Board for APSA and doing rush week for Alpha Phi Gamma. So far, everything is good and I'm meeting new people. I've continuously been trying to find something to look forward to and I don't want to get my hopes up but I think this is the beginning of something.

I'm just growing up. We are all growing up, going toward different paths. I just need to see the change, and accept it. It's not like I'm purposely neglecting anyone. My family is constantly supporting me. My friends will always be a big part of my life; true friends will stick around regardless of how long we haven't seen/talked to one another but know that we're still there for each other 100%. I'm trying to make things better for me, I can't be a miserable woman throughout my whole college experience! I don't want to feel guilty while trying new things but I can't help the fact that I wish everyone was also doing everything new with me.

School & I.

School and I are having a love/hate relationship. Well, I've never loved college but here we are in this turmoil. I can't help the fact that I feel as if school is a waste of time. We take all these required classes that is totally unnecessary and worthless in our lives just to move along to taking classes that actually relates to our major. I honestly DON'T get it and I'm a bit aggravated. I know I'm going to need statistics, just maybe in life but courses like history, music, religious studies and etc. I don't understand how that would tie into my life. I mean, they are interesting courses but if I wanted to learn something interesting I can just go out of school to learn something not sit in a classroom for hours every week, reading from a book, listening from a professor blabble on and on. I mean, get real here. Ahhhhhhh! I'm just venting out about school. I am at lost for some motivation. Kevin tried to give me some words yesterday but my thoughts just conflicted w/ his because he was saying that I should work hard now and play later because it will be worth it later in life. But then in my head, later in life isn't guaranteed. You know? That's why everytime I get the chance for some fun or to be able to hangout w/ family & friends, I TAKE it because I would choose them over school anytime. They're the purpose in my life and I want to cherish everyday that I have. Not spend my days stuck in books and stressing over something temporary, you know? But I DO understand that I should work hard because it will be beneficial to me. My only motivation I have is my parents. Everytime that I want to quit, I think of them because I'm going to school to find a suitable career and have a successful life so I can make them proud and pay them back for all they have done for me. I don't even go to school for myself. If it was up to me, I would just drop-out and chill ... hahah. But no, I can't. I have to do this. And that's my downfall. I need some self-motivation. I'm constantly by myself at school when I'm not going to class w/ Kevin & Danny. I don't have a place at SDSU where I'm happy, where I can be myself. Not even joining APSA has helped. It has a little because I was able to meet some really cool people but walking in to the meeting today, I felt extremely weird for some reason. I just miss my friends. I'm trying to be more social and more myself. I'm trying to find something worth looking forward to. Trying, trying, trying. *sigh, I am in the same predicament I was last fall semester. But school has only been in session for a couple weeks. So, I should just wait it out and hope that things will get better later on.

Don't bother starting a conversation with me if you're not going to finish it.

I don't understand why people could simply ignore a text message. I mean, YOU texted me FIRST because you obviously wanted to talk. I replied back, I always do and you're lucky. You're lucky I'm not some rude, inconsiderate person who could have ignored it. But don't text me if you're just going to completely ignore me later and not bother texting back or finishing the conversation we started. Am I just some convenient, temporary amusement for you? mmm mm. Not anymore.

Image

I came across this picture, and I thought it was the cutest. You know, minus the fact that they both may be naked (haha) but other than that I just love the affection and comfort shown in the image. Lately, I've had the craziest, mixed up dreams. The other day, I dreamt about this guy. I don't know who he is at all but I bugged him, he bugged me and then it was like we were in a relationship. And then another day I dreamt about my ex, who knows why?! But everytime I dream of someone hugging or holding me, it feels so real and that may be the number one thing I miss; the hugs and how special & wanted they made me feel. I mean, I could get hugs from anyone but it's just different when it's with someone I actually have feelings for. I miss someone admiring me and I miss being able to admire someone back. I'm the kind of person who would go out of my way to make someone feel special. I mean, I could do that to anyone but it's just different when it's with someone I have feelings for. I've done it countless times for loves so it doesn't really feel new. But it's rare that I come across someone I really like where I would do thoughtful things for them. I come up with many cute things to say and do but never have a chance to make it happen. Yeah, I daydream a lot. (haha) I'm independent but it gets lonely sometimes always being on my own. Maybe I just miss being noticed.

The Start.

I deleted my past blogspot. I just honestly didn't want to have it anymore. Blogs I didn't want to dwell back on nor read. But here this is. Something new, fresh once again - just for me and my daily thoughts.