Guilty.

Guilt is honestly the feeling that I have. As I go to school and meet new people and be involved in different organizations, I occasionally think about my family and my friends that I don't see/hangout with as often and feel bad for leaving them behind a bit. I rarely am able to have a conversation with my parents because I'm going back & forth to school and when I'm home, I'm doing homework or taking a nap because I'm exhausted from school. And I know the more I meet new people at school, the more I'll get to know, see and hangout with them and maybe I'm scared that I'm going to be distant from my current friends. Even on weekends, I'm not able to socialize with anyone because I always have work! I officially have no life. -__- But as I feel guilty, I'm making my college experience better for me. I'm currently on E-Board for APSA and doing rush week for Alpha Phi Gamma. So far, everything is good and I'm meeting new people. I've continuously been trying to find something to look forward to and I don't want to get my hopes up but I think this is the beginning of something.

I'm just growing up. We are all growing up, going toward different paths. I just need to see the change, and accept it. It's not like I'm purposely neglecting anyone. My family is constantly supporting me. My friends will always be a big part of my life; true friends will stick around regardless of how long we haven't seen/talked to one another but know that we're still there for each other 100%. I'm trying to make things better for me, I can't be a miserable woman throughout my whole college experience! I don't want to feel guilty while trying new things but I can't help the fact that I wish everyone was also doing everything new with me.

School & I.

School and I are having a love/hate relationship. Well, I've never loved college but here we are in this turmoil. I can't help the fact that I feel as if school is a waste of time. We take all these required classes that is totally unnecessary and worthless in our lives just to move along to taking classes that actually relates to our major. I honestly DON'T get it and I'm a bit aggravated. I know I'm going to need statistics, just maybe in life but courses like history, music, religious studies and etc. I don't understand how that would tie into my life. I mean, they are interesting courses but if I wanted to learn something interesting I can just go out of school to learn something not sit in a classroom for hours every week, reading from a book, listening from a professor blabble on and on. I mean, get real here. Ahhhhhhh! I'm just venting out about school. I am at lost for some motivation. Kevin tried to give me some words yesterday but my thoughts just conflicted w/ his because he was saying that I should work hard now and play later because it will be worth it later in life. But then in my head, later in life isn't guaranteed. You know? That's why everytime I get the chance for some fun or to be able to hangout w/ family & friends, I TAKE it because I would choose them over school anytime. They're the purpose in my life and I want to cherish everyday that I have. Not spend my days stuck in books and stressing over something temporary, you know? But I DO understand that I should work hard because it will be beneficial to me. My only motivation I have is my parents. Everytime that I want to quit, I think of them because I'm going to school to find a suitable career and have a successful life so I can make them proud and pay them back for all they have done for me. I don't even go to school for myself. If it was up to me, I would just drop-out and chill ... hahah. But no, I can't. I have to do this. And that's my downfall. I need some self-motivation. I'm constantly by myself at school when I'm not going to class w/ Kevin & Danny. I don't have a place at SDSU where I'm happy, where I can be myself. Not even joining APSA has helped. It has a little because I was able to meet some really cool people but walking in to the meeting today, I felt extremely weird for some reason. I just miss my friends. I'm trying to be more social and more myself. I'm trying to find something worth looking forward to. Trying, trying, trying. *sigh, I am in the same predicament I was last fall semester. But school has only been in session for a couple weeks. So, I should just wait it out and hope that things will get better later on.

Don't bother starting a conversation with me if you're not going to finish it.

I don't understand why people could simply ignore a text message. I mean, YOU texted me FIRST because you obviously wanted to talk. I replied back, I always do and you're lucky. You're lucky I'm not some rude, inconsiderate person who could have ignored it. But don't text me if you're just going to completely ignore me later and not bother texting back or finishing the conversation we started. Am I just some convenient, temporary amusement for you? mmm mm. Not anymore.

Image

I came across this picture, and I thought it was the cutest. You know, minus the fact that they both may be naked (haha) but other than that I just love the affection and comfort shown in the image. Lately, I've had the craziest, mixed up dreams. The other day, I dreamt about this guy. I don't know who he is at all but I bugged him, he bugged me and then it was like we were in a relationship. And then another day I dreamt about my ex, who knows why?! But everytime I dream of someone hugging or holding me, it feels so real and that may be the number one thing I miss; the hugs and how special & wanted they made me feel. I mean, I could get hugs from anyone but it's just different when it's with someone I actually have feelings for. I miss someone admiring me and I miss being able to admire someone back. I'm the kind of person who would go out of my way to make someone feel special. I mean, I could do that to anyone but it's just different when it's with someone I have feelings for. I've done it countless times for loves so it doesn't really feel new. But it's rare that I come across someone I really like where I would do thoughtful things for them. I come up with many cute things to say and do but never have a chance to make it happen. Yeah, I daydream a lot. (haha) I'm independent but it gets lonely sometimes always being on my own. Maybe I just miss being noticed.

The Start.

I deleted my past blogspot. I just honestly didn't want to have it anymore. Blogs I didn't want to dwell back on nor read. But here this is. Something new, fresh once again - just for me and my daily thoughts.