I've had the room to myself for the whole weekend. I love it. And throughout my days, I've had lots of time to myself where I can just sit and ponder about life. It's kind of a bad thing because my mind goes way off into unnecessary things that I do not want to think of but those are the thoughts that help me become a stronger person and allows me to realize what I never noticed before. I realized as I grow older, I started to appreciate life more.
I noticed that life is unfair. It's unfair how the world is, how life is. We come into the world w/ this life and in life we're blessed with a family and along the way meet some amazing people, develop memories, experience all our world has to offer then one day, just one day ... it's all gone. You know? Everything that you came into this life with, everything that you have treasured ... it's not there anymore. It's torture. It's completely unfair. Life gets our hopes up from the start and I really hate it.
Today at work, I was washing the dishes and I just started to think about myself and my life. I realized that as much as I try to be, I'm not the greatest person in the world. I have my moments, and I have them a lot. Nowadays, the littlest thing just seems to get to me quicker than it has before. And maybe it's because I'm growing up and I don't want to deal w/ childish things. I'm sick of beating around the bush. It's time to just let the truth come out when it should be. I use to live my life trying to please people and be this "perfect" person that everyone should love. But I shouldn't want to please everyone. Being enough for myself is enough and if someone can't like that, then they're nobody. I can't keep trying to play Miss. Goody two shoes. I hate when I say something blunt or do something out of the comfort zone people see me in and they're are surprised by it. Give me a break ... But I know I can be hard-headed, picky, confusing at times and more dumb stuff. I've become completely aware of my flaws, now. I'm working on them slowly.
But, my life. I came home today from work (normally at 10pm) and my mom just sits, watching t.v. waiting for me to come home before she sleeps. I came into my room, she knocks on my door and asks me if I want to eat. I went to sit on the kitchen counter and my mom has out 2 dishes that she cooked more than enough of. I asked her, "Why do you always make so much?" She said, "I make it for you guys to eat," which she was referring to my sister and me. Everyday she always makes sure that my life is going great and that I'm doing good. And my dad. I rarely get to see him nowadays because when I come home from school, he's already in bed. Every time, I try to come home before he sleeps just so I could see him at least once a day. So I could see both of my parents at least once a day. He always makes sure that I have everything I need. Every time I go to work he tells me to drive safe. He always makes sure I am on track with where I'm going with my future. I miss how we would go to Swap Meet or eat Pho on the weekends or how he would take me to work and pick me up. I know that my dad misses doing things for me because he tries to do every little thing that I need without letting me know. My grandma. I really wish that I was fluent in Lao or knew much more of it so I could communicate with her. I always go to her room to see if she's okay and I see her just sitting on her bed, playing cards in silence by herself and I just wish that I could play with her. I wish that I could have conversations with her rather than giving her one word answers that I only know how to speak. I know she can get lonely sometimes. She's such a strong women to be doing so much at her age. She's still on her feet, getting up every morning working on her garden and giving back to the temple and my family. My sister. I don't see her as much nor do we talk as much. When we do, it's nothing special. We never had that kind of relationship but as we grow older, I see us both helping each other out more but she's in a relationship and that has an effect on things. She told me that she was going to training in L.A. but I had to find out on Facebook that she went to Long Beach with Derek and his family. But she didn't tell me. She had to tell me the lie that she told my parents and I would've thought that she would've told me the truth. It honestly hurts me. But I know that I'm not the best sister. I give off bad attitudes occasionally and I consistently complain about the things that she does but I always tell her the truth. That's the thing that I always gave her, I just expected the same in return. It seems like she'd rather be at Derek's than at home. She's constantly with him and I just wish that she knew how to balance out her life. My mom gives her way to much than she deserves. But I guess, she's getting her life together. She's doing the things she wants, I wish I had my goals set like her.
I just went on a rant and now my eyes are puffy and nose stuffed because I guess I've been bottled with all that feeling inside. I'm just scared. I'm scared to lose all that I have and I know that's a fear that I have to push aside. But my mind just thinks about it everyday. That's why I always put family over anything because no one compares to who they are. I'm truly the luckiest girl in the world. I'm just now starting to appreciate my life a lot more because I know the time right now, is all I got. I have to make it count and I will. I will slowly make progress with who I am and the relationships I have. I'm going to make sure my love ones know that I appreciate them in my life. Although life is unfair, my life can't be any better. I'm blessed.
