Someone.

I want someone to run up to me, give me the biggest, most loving hug in the world and tell me that there's no where in the world that they'd rather be than with me. Someone who will tell me the corniest lines in the world, but by then, I'll actually think it's adorable and won't have as much trouble believing it. I want someone who I can trust with all my heart that they won't damage it. I want someone who will change the way I view life. I want someone who is opposite of who I am so he can balance out my weaknesses and turn them into strengths. Someone who I won't ever hesititate to turn to because I know that he gives me the best comfort. Someone who will stick around despite the fact that they know how thick my walls are. Someone who is willing to be patient with me because he thinks that I'm worth the wait. Someone loving and understanding.

Mother-Daughter Relationships.

I can see the way I react to my mom's supportive criticism and I can see the way my mom reacts to my grandma's support criticism. It makes me think about (if I were to have a child) the way my daughter will react to me. I've grown to analyze that mom and daughter relationships aren't always parallel but has it's major ups and downs. Sometimes you'll have the best time bonding and then other times you'll get on each others' last nerve. I try to control my temper with my mom but it's sad to admit that it can be hard. Some of the things she say can automatically annoy me. My mom worries way too much and sometimes doesn't take the time to understand my point of view. I understand that she's looking out for me and wants the best for me but I know better for myself. I know the caring, protective love she has for me will never change because that mother love comes naturally and remains permanent but sometimes I would like to do things on my own. It aggravates me so much when I'm not able to do the things I want without someone over-analyzing everything I do. I have put myself in her shoes and I know that if I were to have kids, I would constantly worry about what they're doing as well but I'm wondering if that conscious of worry will ever go away? And I feel extremely bad every time that I do raise my voice at my mom because I feel like my mom and dad are the last people that I should ever disrespect but just sometimes, the annoyance comes naturally. I love my mom, so much. I know so many people in the world would kill to have the love that my mom showers me with everyday. I am such a lucky person to have been born in such loving arms. I don't take advantage of it at all, but it would just be nice to do things my way even if it consists with many mistakes - life is a process of learning. My parents have raised me this far to not trust that I will do just fine in the real world. Out of all the people, I would be the one to know what's right from wrong. I feel like I am like a replica of my mom. I don't think it's me she doesn't trust but just what's outside in the world. I'm scared to have a daughter because I can already see how tough it is having to raise a child and I can see exactly what it will be like. But I guess in a way, I hope I will grow up to gain the characteristics of my mom. She and my dad has raised me up so well (although I wish I were more disciplined) and I trust myself and their ways. If my daughter grew up in the same household w/ the same mentality, I know she'd be capable of living her own life too when she's old enough.

Mother-daughter relationships are never easy. I've learned to realize that. But with every little frustration I get, I start to realize more about the kind of relationship we have. It's far from bad. It's like my mom's objectives are so good that it's bad which is hard to explain... idk. But she's an amazing woman. As I mentioned, I hope to be like her when I grow up (but less cautious of life. lol)
<3

Ephiphany.

I've had the room to myself for the whole weekend. I love it. And throughout my days, I've had lots of time to myself where I can just sit and ponder about life. It's kind of a bad thing because my mind goes way off into unnecessary things that I do not want to think of but those are the thoughts that help me become a stronger person and allows me to realize what I never noticed before. I realized as I grow older, I started to appreciate life more.

I noticed that life is unfair. It's unfair how the world is, how life is. We come into the world w/ this life and in life we're blessed with a family and along the way meet some amazing people, develop memories, experience all our world has to offer then one day, just one day ... it's all gone. You know? Everything that you came into this life with, everything that you have treasured ... it's not there anymore. It's torture. It's completely unfair. Life gets our hopes up from the start and I really hate it.

Today at work, I was washing the dishes and I just started to think about myself and my life. I realized that as much as I try to be, I'm not the greatest person in the world. I have my moments, and I have them a lot. Nowadays, the littlest thing just seems to get to me quicker than it has before. And maybe it's because I'm growing up and I don't want to deal w/ childish things. I'm sick of beating around the bush. It's time to just let the truth come out when it should be. I use to live my life trying to please people and be this "perfect" person that everyone should love. But I shouldn't want to please everyone. Being enough for myself is enough and if someone can't like that, then they're nobody. I can't keep trying to play Miss. Goody two shoes. I hate when I say something blunt or do something out of the comfort zone people see me in and they're are surprised by it. Give me a break ... But I know I can be hard-headed, picky, confusing at times and more dumb stuff. I've become completely aware of my flaws, now. I'm working on them slowly.

But, my life. I came home today from work (normally at 10pm) and my mom just sits, watching t.v. waiting for me to come home before she sleeps. I came into my room, she knocks on my door and asks me if I want to eat. I went to sit on the kitchen counter and my mom has out 2 dishes that she cooked more than enough of. I asked her, "Why do you always make so much?" She said, "I make it for you guys to eat," which she was referring to my sister and me. Everyday she always makes sure that my life is going great and that I'm doing good. And my dad. I rarely get to see him nowadays because when I come home from school, he's already in bed. Every time, I try to come home before he sleeps just so I could see him at least once a day. So I could see both of my parents at least once a day. He always makes sure that I have everything I need. Every time I go to work he tells me to drive safe. He always makes sure I am on track with where I'm going with my future. I miss how we would go to Swap Meet or eat Pho on the weekends or how he would take me to work and pick me up. I know that my dad misses doing things for me because he tries to do every little thing that I need without letting me know. My grandma. I really wish that I was fluent in Lao or knew much more of it so I could communicate with her. I always go to her room to see if she's okay and I see her just sitting on her bed, playing cards in silence by herself and I just wish that I could play with her. I wish that I could have conversations with her rather than giving her one word answers that I only know how to speak. I know she can get lonely sometimes. She's such a strong women to be doing so much at her age. She's still on her feet, getting up every morning working on her garden and giving back to the temple and my family. My sister. I don't see her as much nor do we talk as much. When we do, it's nothing special. We never had that kind of relationship but as we grow older, I see us both helping each other out more but she's in a relationship and that has an effect on things. She told me that she was going to training in L.A. but I had to find out on Facebook that she went to Long Beach with Derek and his family. But she didn't tell me. She had to tell me the lie that she told my parents and I would've thought that she would've told me the truth. It honestly hurts me. But I know that I'm not the best sister. I give off bad attitudes occasionally and I consistently complain about the things that she does but I always tell her the truth. That's the thing that I always gave her, I just expected the same in return. It seems like she'd rather be at Derek's than at home. She's constantly with him and I just wish that she knew how to balance out her life. My mom gives her way to much than she deserves. But I guess, she's getting her life together. She's doing the things she wants, I wish I had my goals set like her.

I just went on a rant and now my eyes are puffy and nose stuffed because I guess I've been bottled with all that feeling inside. I'm just scared. I'm scared to lose all that I have and I know that's a fear that I have to push aside. But my mind just thinks about it everyday. That's why I always put family over anything because no one compares to who they are. I'm truly the luckiest girl in the world. I'm just now starting to appreciate my life a lot more because I know the time right now, is all I got. I have to make it count and I will. I will slowly make progress with who I am and the relationships I have. I'm going to make sure my love ones know that I appreciate them in my life. Although life is unfair, my life can't be any better. I'm blessed.

Where am I?

I don't think people are gaining the right perception of me or I'm not portraying myself as I am. But maybe it's the people around me who doesn't bring out the best in me? I'm not sure. Or maybe I'm trying to be something I'm not, or trying too hard. I should just be me. But I have been, but when I look back, I just don't see myself that way. Maybe I've just changed into something that I'm not happy of. The girl who use to be so full of joy and optimism, I don't know where most of her went. She's still here but just not as jolly.

I feel like I'm waiting for things to happen for me but as I'm waiting, I'm trying to make them happen? If that makes sense ... I don't know. ugh

People.

I’m a nice person but I really don’t think it’s possible to get along with everyone in the world. Some personalities do not mix well with others. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to give them the cold shoulder every time I see them; I just won’t acknowledge their existence, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I refuse to involve myself with people who doesn’t even give off positive vibes and doesn’t make a difference in my life.

I try getting to know them or having a conversation but they lack communication. They are dead boring or think they're too good. Like shut up, you aren't all that ... seriously. It's okay, though. I know we're in a group and I have to work with you guys, but that doesn't mean we're friends. You don't effect my life anyway.

Outcast.

Sometimes I honestly feel like an outcast. Even when I’m surrounded by people, I feel like the odd ball - like there’s no one who can understand me or is able to relate. I’m still trying to find a place where I really feel like I belong. I had an amazing group of friends in high school and it’s sad that everyone dispersed into different directions. I’m trying to meet new people, build more friendships but there’s never the same connection I’ve had w/ past friends. It’s not like how it was before. Everyone on campus just seems different. I know I don’t need to make new friends because I love my friends already but I need a comfort zone at school. I miss what use to be. I’m just trying to find that in the present. I don’t want to have to try so hard to fit in.

Something Real.

I’m at a point in my life where if I were to be looking for a relationship, I would want a real relationship. The purpose of dating is to be together in hopes of getting married one day, right? That’s only if you’re the ‘want to be married’ type. But I can’t settle for someone who can’t offer me equal or more than what I have. I don’t mean to seem high-maintenance or anything but I need someone who can take care of himself and has room to take care of me. Someone who can take me places and at least has a job. Someone who’s independent and knows what he wants. Someone who has their life together and has goals for his future. Those qualities play a huge role. I’m looking for a serious relationship, not something to play with.